RADIO FOR THE DEAF

© Randal W. O’Rourke

Like many of my ideas, this one was transported directly into my cerebral cortex by an infantile space alien with absolutely no consideration for individual feelings. It's not her fault, she simply doesn't know any better. Commanded by an unseen force, and not sure of the consequences of ignoring such instruction, I began my research in earnest.

Gathering information on the hearing-impaired turned out to be a pretty tall order, so I called my 16 yr. old niece who is not only taking a course in American Sign Language, but, stands about 5' 10" in her stocking feet. Once informed of the project she seemed genuinely surprised when I expressed to her my concern that the subject be treated with taste and sensitivity. I was quick to point out that, though tact had never been my long suit, I did, occasionally, understand the need for compassion and decorum, and besides, having rarely attempted offending a whole community on such a grand scale I was worried, quite frankly, that my mailbox was too small to accommodate the amount of animosity the article might generate.

With a journalistic professionalism, which startled even me, I suddenly remembered the purpose of the call and fired off a series of hard-hitting questions. "Why 'American' sign language?” I queried, realizing almost immediately that my swarthy, cocked, right eyebrow was mostly wasted in a phone conversation. "Are there such things as 'Portuguese', or, 'Dutch' sign language?" "If so, how do they make the sign for that umlaut thing over the 'o'?" Judging by the silence on the other end of the line I realized I had her stumped. These questions were obviously way over her head. Embarrassed at being caught short of facts she became extremely defensive and hung up with something remarkably similar to disgust. It would seem that one of us had a little maturing to do, didn't we?! Her parents have told her repeatedly to be patient with me, it could still happen.

Priding myself on persistence, and my penchant for alliteration, I promptly pressed "redial" on my cordless Foghorn Leghorn phone. Unfortunately, my niece had apparently developed a chronic phlegm problem and couldn't come to the phone, so I wound up talking to her 14-year-old sister. Beginning to really impress myself with a near god-like resistance to distraction, I asked her if she felt the deaf could truly enjoy radio. It was her considered opinion that in view of the strides in molding technology and the advent of plastic dyes and concentrates, radios were being manufactured in a vast array of designs and colors that anyone could appreciate. It was my turn to hang up. Must have been a phlegm epidemic.

Reviewing my experience with research on the hearing-impaired, during our examination of "radio" it would probably be best to stick with the familiar. Simple facts of which we are all aware.

It is common knowledge, for instance, that a radio is a complex technical arrangement of wires and electronic components born of the devil which, when tuned to the proper signal will invoke the spirit of money grubbing evangelists, trite moronic disc jockeys and Little Richard. Just the other day I was browsing in the sporting goods section of a major department store whose PA system had been set on "The Leslie Gore Station". Fortunately, in the middle of the promo, "All Leslie Gore, All the Time", someone changed the station before I had a chance to reload. I also have it on good authority that some stations broadcast at a frequency audible only to certain breeds of spaniel and my ex-wife's sister.

With all of this information at our fingertips we are at last ready to tackle our original inquiry, "If Mel Tillis used sign language would he still stutter?" "And could he stutter in Portuguese?"

Which naturally begs the more probing question, "What is the largest mailbox that Wal-Mart carries?"